A Guide To The Ivy Leagues

* From the Friars Club Bible of Jokes, Pokes, Roasts and Toasts

A Guide to the Ivy Leagues:

Brown: Hey, kids! Is half your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a shitload of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

Columbia: Hey, kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

Harvard: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

Princeton: Hey, kids! Do you have any idea what the fuck an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersy? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

Penn: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about 4 more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic west Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

Cornell: Hey, kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? COME TO CORNELL!!!

Yale: Hey, kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!

Dartmouth: Hey, kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to sexually harass women? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!


Extra-Special Bonus Schools

MIT: Hey, kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO MIT!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

Wellesley: Hey, kids! Are you a psycho feminist bitch who likes to hit men? Do you like having short hair? Do you think you are a lesbian? Do you wanna be a lesbian? COME TO WELLESLEY!!!

University of California at Berkeley: Hey, dude! Do you like walking around campus naked? Do you like to march? Are you in Greenpeace? Do you enjoy harassing school officials? Do you enjoy clashing with police? Wow... COME TO BERKELEY!!!